Thinking Out Loud

Today is one of those days where I could quite happily stay in bed catching up on my Youtube feed and drinking countless cups of tea. Yes, I know the weekend has only just gone, but I've woken up with the biggest headache and horribly blocked sinuses. It doesn't help that we currently sleep with the air conditioning on every night (we have to - the heat is unbearable without it!). But anyway, I can't stay in bed all day - there are things to be done. So I'll just stay here for a liiiittle bit longer and catch up n some blogging (at least that's somehow productive...).

In all the drama and business of recent weeks, Organised Chaos hasn't quite had the chance yet to become what I was hoping. I wanted to write on here more regularly than I have been doing, and really enjoy it. But somehow, I haven't felt relaxed enough to just sit down and write a chatty post, and maybe I've been putting too much pressure on myself in the sense that if I do post on here, it's got to be a well thought-out, meaningful post. Well, actually that was completely defeating the object, as this was meant to be an outlet for me where I could write about precisely what I want, when I want. If I want to sit down and ramble on about whatever is going on in my head, then that is exactly what I'm going to do, and it's exactly what I'm doing now.

It's three and a half months now until we move back home. The time is ticking by so slowly, but I know in reality it's not far off at all. It's funny how a life back home, doing the simple things that I always used to do and having the choices and freedom that I always used to have has become my dream life. Having things taken away and having to live a simple, basic life teaches you what really matters - family, friends. Having options.

I know you're probably wondering what on earth I'm talking about. I mean, I'm living the dream, right? Life in Brazil must be so perfect, lying on the beach all day, cocktail in hand, deep blue sea as far as you can see.

The thing is, the idealistic vision people have of living abroad is not always the reality, and it is not taken into consideration that perhaps it might be a really difficult thing to do. There's the isolation. I'm not about to sit here and moan about what a terrible time it's been, because it's all been a learning curve (and I can't deny that I've been lucky enough to get to know some beautiful places in Brazil), but there have definitely been tough times. I went from having lots of friends and a busy social life back home, to essentially having no one besides my other half. I had difficulties with his family, and when it came to making friends it just wasn't to be. Every time I thought I was getting somewhere, I was stabbed in the back, so eventually I decided that I'd rather not have any friends here at all than have pretend ones.

But that's almost all in the past now. Blogging saved me, for a start, and now the end is in sight. I couldn't be more thrilled! For all this time, I've had to put my career on hold, and have been doing a job that was never for me. Teaching has had its moments, but ironically it was always the one job I'd said I'd never do!

I can't wait to get back, and build a home, and have a social life again. Be able to go around to my parents' house for a roast dinner on a Sunday, or meet my sister for coffee on our lunch breaks from work. To decorate the house so it really feels like ours, and to get back to studying and applying for jobs I'd really like to do! I'm well aware that I might not necessarily get them - it's not that easy, is it? But just having the chance to make my own future again, that's something you can't put a price on.

And then there are the other things. Blustery walks along the coast, all wrapped up warm, followed by cosy pub lunches and a cheeky weekend tipple. Girly nights in with friends, cooking together and drinking wine, that inevitablt turn into girly nights out. And just having access to the shops and the food that I like again! Clothes and cosmetics not costing the absolute earth, and not having to buy them online and wait forever for them to arrive. Being spoilt on my birthday instead of sitting at home with nothing to do. Having a Chinese takeaway on a Friday night. And spending the Christmas festivities with family.

They are all such little things, but those things have become my dream.

xx